Season & Savor – On Friendship Part 2

Welcome to Season & Savor Sunday — because feeding our bodies is not enough.

What does it actually look like to be a good friend?

Last week I talked about why friendship matters so deeply to me and the simple truth that anchors it all: to have a friend, you have to be a friend.

But what does that actually look like? Let me get personal for a minute.

This post may contain affiliate links. Read my disclosure & privacy policy.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
Proverbs 27:17

Honest, Even When It Stings

I will just come right out and say it. In my younger years, I was a bit of a know-it-all.

I was in my early twenties, roommates with a dear friend, and we were out shopping one afternoon. She had a headache and stopped at a water fountain to take some aspirin, one at a time. Now, I have always been a toss-them-all-back-at-once kind of person, and for some reason, I decided right then and there to inform her she was doing it wrong.

She looked at me pointedly and said, “Don’t tell me how to take medicine.”

It stung a little. I mean, why wouldn’t somebody want my “right” opinion? Yeah, well, because I was wrong! It was such a small, silly thing. But more than forty years later, I still think about that moment when I feel the urge to tell someone how to do something simply because I think my way is better.

The Lord has been working on this in me, probably longer than I care to admit and certainly longer than I have wanted. But day by day I am learning to listen more than I talk, to really hear people. That is its own kind of spiritual discipline, and I am still very much in progress.

A true friend is honest, yes. But she is also wise enough to know when her (my) opinion was not asked for.

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.” James 1:19

Accountable, Even When You Bristle

Here is what I have learned about accountability: when someone asks you a hard question and your first reaction is to get a little offended, that is usually a sign you needed them to ask it.

When my husband and I were dating, a close friend asked me directly how things were going from a physical standpoint. I bristled a little in that moment. But I am so glad she asked. That is what a true friend does. She asks the hard question, holds the answer with care, and loves you enough not to look the other way.

Another season, I was living with a close friend and we worked at the same place. I would come home late, bring work home with me, work weekends. She saw my workaholic tendencies before I could name them myself, and she spoke into them gently but consistently.

And here is the thing: I still struggle with this. Even now, my good friends know that I can easily get completely engrossed in work. So I share with them what I am trying to do differently, like taking every other Friday off, or saying yes when a friend calls in the middle of the day and asks if I want to take a walk. I try to say yes. I am trying to hold work more loosely.

And I have to surrender this to God. Regularly. It does not stay surrendered on its own.

That is what accountability looks like over the long haul. It is not a one-time conversation. It is friends who keep showing up, keep asking, keep holding you to the version of yourself you told them you wanted to be, and doing it all without a hint of “I told you so.”

Present, Even in the Middle of the Mess

My husband went through a really, really hard season with some mental health struggles. Before we both understood what we were dealing with, our marriage was under enormous strain and I was struggling in ways I did not yet have words for.

I have a close circle of friends who know him too, who love us both. They poured into me during that season in ways I will never forget. They prayed for me. They listened. They were in the middle of it with me, not standing at a safe distance offering platitudes. Sometimes they agreed with me. And sometimes, when I needed it, they gave me strong advice that took me a while to hear and even longer to embrace.

That is friendship. Not just showing up for the easy parts.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
Galatians 6:2

Dropping Everything, Because That Is What You Do

A few years ago, my husband had a terrible fall during a rare tornado. He ended up in the ICU. In that moment, I sent SOS texts to my Bible study girlfriends and my family. Just two words, essentially: pray now. I was not sure of the outcome yet. I was not sure of anything.

What I felt in that waiting was a peace I can only attribute to those prayers. Once he started talking coherently again, the relief was overwhelming. And my friends, they surrounded me. They offered to come and sit with me so I would not be alone. They pooled together to give us a gift card for meals. They brought food. They showed up in every practical, tangible, beautiful way they could.

I would do anything for those women.

And I hope, over the years, I have shown up for them the way they have shown up for me. I think as women, we feel this deep need to do something when someone we love is hurting. And what most of us do is bring food. What a perfect expression of love. What a quietly holy thing, and it nourishes more than their bodies.

Recently, I was away with a group of girlfriends, and during our drive to dinner, one of them got a call from her brother. Her dad had collapsed. He had been rushed to the hospital, unresponsive. Her world stopped in an instant.

Between all of us girls, we made phone calls to the airline, got her on an earlier flight, arranged an Uber for early the next morning, prayed with her that night in the waiting and in the hard news, and got up to see her off and give her one last hug. We sent soup once we knew she was home after the service. And one friend had the most beautiful idea, she sent her a big, oversized, cozy cardigan, so that every time she put it on, she would feel like she was getting a warm hug from all of us.

I cannot tell you how that wrecked me in the best possible way.

Sometimes you just need to trust your gut about what someone needs. It might be sitting next to them quietly without saying a word. It might be a hug, a meal, a walk, or just listening. Many times it doesn’t involve words. It might be a cardigan. You will know. Just do not talk yourself out of it. Step into the mess with them.

Closing thought: None of us are going to get this perfect. I have had seasons where I was a terrible friend, too consumed with my own hard things to show up well for someone else. But grace covers that too. And I think that is actually the point. The same grace and mercy we want shown to us when we fail? That is exactly what we are called to extend to our friends when they do. Be intentional. Water these relationships like a garden. Because the seasons of your life will be richer, harder, funnier, and holier with good people beside you.

And I do mean people. I know more and more men are reading these posts, and I want to speak to you for just a moment. Friendship is not just a woman’s thing. Research actually backs this up; men tend to have fewer close friendships than women, and I do not think that is entirely by accident. But I do think it’s worth pushing back on. You need a circle too. Maybe it is smaller, maybe it looks different, maybe it happens on a golf course, in a stream with a fishing pole or over a game rather than over coffee, and that is completely fine. But find your people. Find the men in your life with whom you can really share, confide, be honest, and be known. That kind of friendship is not weakness. Scripture is full of it. David and Jonathan. Paul and Timothy. Iron sharpening iron. It matters just as much.

Next week, we are going to talk about the kinds of people we let into our lives, why it is okay if your friendships look a little unexpected, and what it looks like to let a friendship go with grace.

~ With grace at the table, and beyond

I read and respond to every email and comment, and I’m so thankful for each of you who comes back week after week. It means more than you know when you make my recipes and share your thoughts 💚